The second of two articles inspired by Dale Carnegie’s internationally renowned book ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’. Click here for Part 1
“If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing – an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own….it may easily prove to be one of the stepping stones of your career.” Dale Carnegie
I’ve personally experienced the power of this way of thinking through learning and teaching the NLP technique of triple description – walking someone through a situation from three perspectives – their own, the other person’s and a neutral observer’s. Asking someone to stand on a spot on the floor and assume the persona of the other party, talking with their voice, feeling their emotions, and seeing things through their eyes is a graphic way of demonstrating that your view/experience is not the only/right one.
This approach is summed up will in the Native American proverb “Never criticise a man until you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins.”
In NLP we have a belief that ‘all behaviour has positive intention’ – whatever people do they do so for a reason that to them has a gainful purpose. Take the colleague who has an outburst in the office – shouting or swearing at a team member – their underlying purpose is not to hurt or damage the relationship; it is more likely that they want others to know how frustrated, angry or upset they are or possibly to prompt a response/action.
From Dale Carnegie’s 30 principles, I’ve grouped a few below into five pointers that I think fit well with this concept of thinking from the other person’s standpoint. They follow on from the central idea in my first article of ‘making the other person feel important’.
1. Don’t criticise or condemn – think about when we train animals, we reward what they do right – people are the same, they respond to praise as a reinforcement of positive behaviours. What’s the use of blaming others after an event – it stirs up negative emotion and resentment. Rather than outright saying that someone else is wrong – use diplomacy, asking questions to help them realise their mistake.
2. Seek win/win resolution to disputes – as soon as you start arguing there has to be a loser – and no chance of a win/win outcome. Agree to see the other person’s viewpoint, hear them out and seek areas of agreement; if you’re wrong, admit it first and apologise for your mistakes; welcome and consider ideas to resolve the situation.
3. Let the other person feel like an idea is theirs. Dale Carnegie tells the story of a sales manager with a demotivated sales team. Rather than telling them what they need to do – he asked them first what they expected of him as their manager – wrote all this up in front of them and then stated that he would commit to working on all these things – however, in return what should he expect from them? By asking them to voice what they believed their performance objectives should be, they formed a moral bargain and they were much more committed to changing behaviours.
4. In handling complaints, let the other person do the talking. If you listen attentively and ask questions to show that you care – the complainant will find it hard to continue to be cross as you are empathising – try this magic phrase “I don’t blame you for feeling as you do….if I were you I would feel the same.” You’re not saying you agree with them, rather that if you were considering the situation as them, you would have the same emotions.
5. Help the other person want to do something – step into their shoes and find out what’s important to them and use these motivators as the buttons to push to persuade. Human nature is to rise to a challenge – people have the desire to excel and compete.
As Dale Carnegie writes, “Nothing will work in all cases – and nothing will work with all people. If you are satisfied with the results you are getting, why change? If you are not satisfied, why not experiment?”
Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is published by Vermillion