The Fifth in a series of articles based on Stephen Covey’s acclaimed book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” – to view the other articles click the links below:
Habit 2 – Begin with the End in Mind (goals and vision)
Habit 3 – First things First (time management)
Habit 6 – Synergise (know your strengths and those of others)
Habit 7 – Sharpen the Saw (look after your wellbeing)
Think back for a moment to a recent conversation you have had. How good a listener are you? To what extent did you really try to understand what the other person was communicating, from their perspective?
How often have you overheard or been part of an exchange where one person explained something that had happened to them and someone else jumped in to ‘trump’ their experience with something similar or bigger or better of their own? So rather than finding out more about the individual’s experience, feelings, situation and needs the conversation was diverted.
Stephen Covey claims that the key to effective interpersonal relations is to improve your listening skills – and in doing so to build openness and trust.
Too often we listen with the aim of replying or interpreting what is being said in our frame of reference or seeking an opportunity to give our own autobiographical monologue.
Let me illustrate. You meet with a friend or partner who states emphatically “I’ve had enough of my job.” Here are some typical responses you might make:
“Surely you can’t have had enough yet – you’re just going through a bad patch” Evaluating whether you agree or disagree with what the other person is saying – but from your perspective, giving a judgement which does not necessarily fit with how the person’s feelings.
“If I were you I’d look around for something else.” Dishing out advice – they are not you so this might not be welcome.
“Is it your boss or the travelling that’s the problem?” These interpretations may be completely off the mark.
Stephen Covey proposes a different approach which he calls Empathic Listening – listening with the intent to understand. This means not just listening with our ears but with our eyes and emotions too. An oft quoted statistic is that in conveying a message to another person 7% comes from the words themselves, 38% voice tone and 55% facial expression. So in improving our listening skills we also need to use our other senses to gain clues to the emotions that are driving the words.
Stephen Covey suggests four approaches to aid empathic listening – each one is progressively more effective – so the fourth is the preferred one:
1. Mimic – reflect back the content that the other person has said. Eg in response to the statement “I’ve had enough of my job”:“I hear what you’re saying: you’ve had enough of your job.”
2. To rephrase the content putting meaning into the words but as a statement that the other person can then expand on or give you an alternative:
“You are considering changing your career.”
3. Reflect feeling (seeking non verbal clues to what the feelings are):
“You’re feeling frustrated.”
4. Rephrase content and reflect feeling:
“You’re frustrated and considering changing your career.”
The advantage of all these approaches is you are using what you have been given by the other person and by making statements rather than asking questions at the outset of the interchange you give the other person the chance to open up to you without you seeming to be probing.
At the root is the desire to genuinely care about the individual and let them bring out their side of the situation. They have to trust your intention and gradually you can uncover the real meaning. To quote Covey, “Layer upon layer – it’s like peeling an onion until you get to the soft inner core”.
Covey’s anecdotes demonstrate how this approach is a real winner in improving conversations with children and as a tool in selling or negotiation – find out what’s at the core of the other party’s agenda – explore until you fully understand their needs – both the content and the feeling behind them – before explaining your perspective or introducing your products. Having listened you will have created a receptive environment of trust which is more likely to lead to you being listened to and understood.
Suggestions to get to grips with this Habit:
Ready for the next habit? Click here for Habit 6 – Synergize
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen Covey (1989)is published by Franklin Covey Co ISBN 0-684-85839-8